My Dinner with Eileen
Synopsis After losing rock, paper, scissors to Mordecai, Rigby must go on a date with Eileen. Characters present *Rigby (central character) *Eileen (central character) *Mordecai *Margaret *French restaurant waiter *Guests at the French restaurant *Fatty Foods worker *Priest (imagination sequence only) *Churchgoers (imagination sequence only) Notes *The title is a reference to the 1981 film My Dinner with Andre. *This fanfic is set anywhere between the season 2 and season 3 timeline (it was written in January 2012 when the third season was airing new episodes), as Rigby was still apprehensive about Eileen. Transcript (Mordecai and Rigby are sitting at their usual table at The Coffee Shop.) Mordecai: Yeah-yuh! Margaret and Eileen are here! Gonna hit on Eileen? Rigby: Shut up! I don't even like her! She's such a pest! Mordecai: What?! Eileen's actually pretty cool. I mean, you get extra coffee, grilled cheese sandwiches and she even made a cake in chocolate with your face for your birthday! Rigby: But that's so creepy! Mordecai: I wouldn't mind if Margaret did that. (Mordecai imagines Margaret making a blueberry cake with his face on it.) Mordecai: Mmm. Margaret: Hey, Mordecai. Mordecai: Uh..... hi, Margaret! Eileen: Hey, Rigby! (Margaret and Eileen are whispering to each other.) Margaret: Gonna hit on him? Eileen: I will. Don't worry. (stops whispering and gestures to Rigby) Uh..... Rigby, you don't have to do this, but.....uh.....can you go on a date with me?! Rigby: Ewwwww! No! Eileen: (wipes tear) It-it's all right. Excuse me, I have to powder up! (Eileen runs away, crying in the bathroom.) Margaret: Wow, Rigby! You're a jerk! Mordecai: Yeah, I can't believe you! Oh wait, I can! You know what, let's play rock, paper, scissors. If you lose, you have to go on a date with Eileen. Rigby: Rock, paper, scissors! (Mordecai and Rigby play Rock, paper, scissors, with Rigby losing.) Rigby: Ugh! Mordecai: Go ahead, Casanova! Apologize and go on a date. Rigby: Whatever. (Eileen is still in the ladies room.) (The scene switches from Rigby to Eileen, with Rigby overhearing Eileen from the bathroom door.) Eileen: He doesn't even notice me! I'm such a loser! Rigby: Umm...., "Ellen"? Eileen: Yes? Rigby: I'm sorry. I'll go on a date with you. Eileen: Really? Rigby: (slaps himself and speaks angrily) Yes! (Eileen gasps and screams, and runs out of the ladies' room.) Eileen: Do the rest of my shift, Margaret! Margaret: No prob! (Eileen then runs home.) Mordecai: Enjoy your date! Haha! Rigby: (sarcastic) Hilarious. (The scene switches between Rigby, who is raking leaves with Mordecai, and Eileen, who is at home in her room, reflecting their feelings on the upcoming date.) Rigby: I can't believe.... Eileen: I'm going on a date with........ R&E: Him/her! (Eileen is staring at her shrine of Rigby.) Eileen: Oh, Rigby, it's finally happening! Rigby: I hate you! (punches Mordecai, which does nothing) Mordecai: Dude, it's only a date! It's not like you're getting married! (Rigby imagines he and Eileen are getting married at church.) Priest: Do you take this raccoon to be your lawfully married husband? Eileen: Yes! Yes! Yes! A million times yes! Priest: And do you take this mole to be your lawfully married wife? Rigby: I don't! People at the Wedding reception: (gasp) Rigby: I'm only twenty-three! Eileen: Come on, "Riggy-wiggy"! You know you want to! Rigby: Bleh! "Riggy-wiggy"!? I'm outta here! Eileen: Wait! Did I tell you that fifteen year olds marry? Rigby: No! I don't care! (Rigby's imaginary story ends. Back to reality, Rigby shudders.) Mordecai: Dude, stop overreacting! Rigby: How would you know? You've never been on a date with a pest! Mordecai: You're on your own with the date, dude! Rigby: Some friend you are! (A screen appears saying "That Night".) (Rigby is on the couch relaxing before looking at his watch to check the time.) Rigby: (sarcastic) Oh, great! It's eight. (The doorbell is heard, and Rigby proceeds to open the door.) Eileen: Uh...... hi, Rigby. (Eileen is wearing a purple dress.) Rigby: Whoa! Nice dress! Eileen: (blushes) Thanks. I also got you a suit. Rigby: What?! Eileen: Well, Rigby, you can't be in the nude where we're going. Rigby: No! Never! (Rigby tries to run away from Eileen on all fours.) Eileen: That's what I like about you, Rigby! You're the thrill of the chase! (Cut to Mordecai and Rigby's room.) Rigby: Ugh! I hate wearing clothes! This suit sucks! It's making my butt itchy! Eileen: Ah! Your one cheek butt! Rigby: What?! Eileen: Nothing! Rigby: So, "Eleanor", where are we going? Eileen: A French restaurant! France is the country of love! Rigby: Ewwwww! I don't want to eat snails! Eileen: (chuckling) Rigby, there are more choices for food. Like steak tartar! Rigby: What's that? Eileen: Raw meat! (Rigby covers his mouth. He then runs to the bathroom.) (Cut to the French restaurant.) Eileen: Okay, Rigby, what do you want to eat? Rigby: I don't know any of these foods! The only French food I know is french fries! Eileen: Seriously, what do you want? Rigby: What does fromage mean? Eileen: Cheese or a cheese course. Rigby: Oh, I'll have that! Waiter: Bonjour, monsieur and madame. What will you be having tonight? Eileen: I'll be having the steak tartar. Rigby: And, fromage, I guess. Waiter: Oh! Tres bien. Your order will be here soon enough. (Later....) Rigby: Umm...... blue cheese?! (pukes) Waiter: (angrily) Hmm! Eileen: (nervously chuckles) (Rigby is using a fork to scratch his butt.) Eileen: Eww! Rigby! Rigby: Hey! I told you this suit's itchy! Eileen: Well, please stop using your fork! It's disgusting! Waiter: (clears throat loudly and purposely to express his distaste) Rigby: I can't take this any more! (Rigby rips off his suit.) Rigby: Ah! That's much better! It's good to let the old junkmail breath once in a while! (A person pukes in disgust.) Eileen: (whispering) Rigby! As much as I like your junkmail, that was beyond disgusting! Rigby: Whatever! Waiter: That's it! You two are grotesque! Au revoir! (The waiter throws Rigby and Eileen out of the restaurant.) Eileen: There goes our date. Rigby: Don't worry, "Erica". I know a place. (Cut to the Fatty Foods restaurant) Eileen: Fatty Foods? Rigby: Yeah! Burgers, fries, chicken. Mmm! Eileen: But, Rigby, burgers are so artery clogging! Rigby: So? Eileen: So, you could have a myocardial infarction! (Rigby stares.) Eileen: Heart attack! Rigby: Whatever! I'm hungry! Eileen: (sighs) (Rigby and Eileen go inside the restaurant.) Rigby: Hey, do you have any meatball subs? Worker: No, we don't. Rigby: That sucks! I guess we'll get the fatty burgers, fatty dip, fatty chicken, fatty soda..... Eileen: (sighs, playing around with her food) (Later, Rigby is eating his and Eileen's food.) Rigby: Mm, these chicken fries are so good. Thanks for letting me have them, "Evelyn". Eileen: (in a sad voice) Yeah, you're welcome. Rigby: What's wrong, "Emma"? Eileen: Nothing. Rigby: Okay. Wanna try the fatty fries? Eileen: No thanks. Rigby: (eating with his mouth open) So, anyway, the reason I'm here is because I lost rock, paper, scissors to Mordecai and had to go on this date. Funny story, huh? Eileen: Wait, so... you didn't really want to go on a date with me? Rigby: Yep. You okay, "Erin"? Eileen: It's Eileen! (Eileen runs away to the ladies' room, crying.) (Rigby follows on all fours, and overhears what Eileen says through the bathroom door.) Eileen: (crying) What was I thinking?! Rigby is such a jerk! Why do I even bother.... (cries more) Rigby: Am I really a jerk? (Rigby remembers the things he said earlier in the episode.) Rigby: (thinking, with the words echoing) She's such a pest! Ewwwwww! No! Yes! I don't! Bleh! "Riggy-wiggy"?! No! I don't care! You've never been on a date with a pest! (Rigby is in the present again.) Rigby: Wow. I'm a total A. I better apologize. Uhh, Eileen? Eileen: What?! Are you going to kill me!? Rigby: Look, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. Look, how about we re-do the date tomorrow, at the French restaurant? Eileen: Really? Rigby: I'm positive. Eileen: Yes! (A screen appears saying "The Next Day".) Rigby: This is pretty delicious! You know... I was wrong about you. You're not a pest, you're pretty... cool. (smiles) Eileen: Oh, thanks Rigby! That's so sweet! (thinking) Rigby thinks I'm cool! I can't believe this is happening... in the good way! (Romantic music plays as the episode ends.) (A screen appears stating "The End".)